Words

My inability to put feelings into words

leave me feeling helpless and frustrated.

I have an endless scope of thoughts, but

lack the capacity to speak them into  words.

Even the exercise of scribbling on paper

seems to be hopeless - a waste of time.

My mentor and friend has the gift of words...

It flows like a river over rocks, pebbles and

sand until it spirals down into the abyss

creating wonderful new worlds, new

possibilities never seen before and

never to be seen again.

Barren Landscapes And Friendship

I find solitude in barren landscapes and abandoned houses.

They renew my spirit and speak to me in soothing, kind words.

Within this barren, never changing landscape the spirits of those

long past whisper never-ending stories of life, hope and survival.

I watch my friends as they file along a dirt path, each busy with

their own thoughts, appreciating nature’s beauty in their own

unique way. Chrisna's laughter echoes in the silent valley until

it hits a small koppie* and settles between rocks and hard sand.

Corneil’s sky-blue eyes melt into the sky above while her heart

beats in synchronisation with the overwhelming awesomeness

of God's creation. Carla is taking pictures with her new Samsung

Galaxy, testing every new feature thoroughly, while her giggles

ringing softly every now and then, remind us of her presence.

And then there is Vanessa, content within herself and with her

surroundings. She wears a tiny smile everywhere, ever present,

everlasting.

Within myself I find a quiet place where I thank the universe

and God for blessings large and small, including the comfort

of special friendship.

The Gentle Souls

I prefer the gentle souls
people in the right state of mind.
Short fuses and anger tantrums

cause me anxiety - their sole

purpose is destruction.
Certain things are under our control

right from the start - like passion and

reason, they are only the offspring

of what happens in our mind.

Then there is the silly mind games

people play, maybe to mask their true self

or to get a power buzz by feeling in control.
Surely choosing to be a true version of oneself

is by far a better option.
The "green-eyed monster" creeping in

and one choosing to feed it on feelings

of insecurity and envy instead of realistically

sifting through the issues.

I choose to live the rest of my life
in harmony with others, nature, the

universe, god - but mostly with myself.
Thus creating a gentle soul
playing her own little part
on the stage of life.

Faith Begins...

What would bring one

to the conviction there

must be more to life than

just existing - or, for that

matter, the possibility

of the existence of a

higher power?

If you are not a moral being

simply not believing in good

or evil, right or wrong, one

would not consider any

religious path.

On the other hand, one can be

a just person without any

religious influences.

In every person's life, sooner or

later, you are confronted with

a cross-road. It might be forced

upon us by a forceful experience

or a gentle realisation.

Whichever way...

My cross-road came as a powerful hurricane

destroying everything imaginable in its path,

during this process I realised I do conceive of

myself as a moral being, therefore there must

be a power behind the good and righteous.

The universe fits together in a unified, harmonious way.

Once I stopped listening to the lies my mind's been telling

me, I made peace with the fact that whatever my limited

concept of a god might be, there is something there:

A force, an energy that holds everything together.

This force is part of the universe, therefore a part of me.

And so, faith begins...

 

Here’s to self-pity

Let’s have ourselves a pity party
throw in some gigantic
slices of chocolate cake
and multiple glasses of wine
play some sad tunes
and while we’re at it,
elaborate on what made us
all so miserable

Let’s contaminate our self-esteem
by changing into victim-mode
and nurture our “I hurt so much”
furthermore, blame anyone else
for putting us in this swamp
of self destruction and
robbing us of our joy

So, do stand up, raise our glasses
let’s toast to all of us
wallowing in self pity

My Heart Aches For You

My heart aches for you, my dear

friend, your tremendous courage,

persistence and fighting spirit are

admirable and left me speechless

on many occasions

Your strong belief in your god has

saved you numerous times from

taking your life, the closeness of

your family rejuvenates your spirit

on a daily basis

When you're gone, your absence will

not go unnoticed, an empty place will

be left in my heart - but your song

will live forever

If there is a purpose behind physical pain

and suffering, please tell me what it is -

everywhere little candles are burning

in remembrance of loved ones who

lost their lives to cancer - and those

who are still fighting for survival

Little candles might evoke a feeling

of care and sympathy and bind us

to shedding tears

Go With The Flow

We can structure our mornings and days
plan each minute and hour
at the end, the universe, the energy 
around us decides what it will dish out

We just need to take what life gives us
and not trying to mould it to be exactly 
as we want it to be

To go with the flow was impossible as a child 
growing up in a typical Afrikaner environment...
I raged against it, when I left home as a young 
adult restricted by the rules of society...
I rebelled against it

Only much later
when nothing made sense anymore
and my days and nights turned
into endless black holes
when the "kick" of ecstasy
held no thrill anymore...

Only then I became conscious of my 
spiritual needs and intellectual demands
the art to surrender, to stop fighting with the 
universe and mostly with myself became a 
selfish need, an endless craving that could 
only be fed by the power of self-realisation 

There is a peaceful yet focused energy 
that accompanies each of us
it is not for us to fight against life but 
rather to work with it

Let reality be reality
let things flow naturally
in whatever way they like

Down The Rabbit Hole

If given a choice
would one choose to merely exist?
Endless days floating into each other
a comfortable state of Non-Being.
Or would one, just like Neo’s awakening
after eating the red pill, start questioning
our beliefs about the world
and attempt to discover
what exists behind all illusions?  

To many, it may seem like it is easier
to remain in reality
through the eyes of society, one who questions
may seem mad, lost …  

The world we see is a mere shadow of what truly exists
everything in our world
exists as an idea
like Alice in Wonderland led by the White Rabbit
down the rabbit hole,
I can truly agree 

“If I had a world of my own,
everything would be nonsense.
Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't
And contrarywise, what is, it wouldn't be.
And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”

The Glass Cabinet

Grandma left me her glass corner

display cabinet - I used to spend

hours in front of it when I was

small, memorising all the little

ornaments grandma carefully  

collected through the years

Except for her wedding band,

this is the only other item which

holds immense sentimental value

for me because every piece in that

display cabinet suggested a million

stories about grandma to me

This is why I simply cannot

comprehend why you refuse to

return what is so dear to me -

I cannot understand how a

person can be be so utterly

selfish and materialistic

I keep the memories of that

glass cabinet close to my heart,

grandma’s presence still lingers

on - the memories I have of her

is the one thing that NOBODY,

not even you, can take away

Nirvana

In her poem "Stripping life of it's sweetness"

my friend, Margaret Alice Second writes,  

" I keep searching for deeper meanings"
 as she refuses
 to believe life is only

about surviving the boredom

of daily rituals

‘Suppress and control’

‘divide and conquer’
‘relax and allow’ are
not foreign words
to either of us

We fully understand
life is about suffering
caused by craving and

aversion,  nevertheless

we believe suffering can

be overcome, therefore

it is possible to reach a

state of happiness and

contentment

The only antidote is salvation of self

facing life as it is, not resisting the

flow of daily living; 
learning from

personal experience

Then, through practice, 

attain a higher level of existence

and finally reach

our Nirvana

DJ Nawtyness


She creates beats
tricks and effects on EQ
understanding and perceiving sound
capturing the essence in a pair of speakers

I watch the people
they dance to her beats
the rhythm takes them through
endless journeys
playing havoc with their emotions

In a state of trance
they sway their bodies
like puppets
DJ Nawtyness controlling the strings
pulling them back and forth
and then back again

Her lips pull into a tiny smile 
heart beating in sync
with the sounds she created
then finds her fullfilment 
in knowing that 
her music,
is understood by everyone

The little black book

I have a little black book

words of wisdom

gathered over the years

notes, eye-openers

realizations….

That the origin of good and evil

is deeply rooted in one’s own heart

there is a scheme to life

we can either embrace it or run from it

Being yourself is very difficult

in a society where anything out of the ordinary

are either labelled  or condemned

and one should never believe in anything

simply because it is written as the absolute truth

Hatred can turn one’s days and nights into

hellish turmoil

trust is earned

religion is not restricted

to temples and sacred writings

Death is a painful truth

tenderness and kindness

are not signs of weakness

once spoken,

words can never be reversed.

The little black book

now is with all the others

on my shelve

a constant reminder

that life is a process

a mystical journey

a true version of oneself

A Number

November 2010
I became a statistic
labled - criminal -
within twenty minutes
my world came
tumbling down

Handcuffed
chains around the ankles
in case I have the urge
to run away

suffocating in a small holding cell

Mixed emotions
fear...anxiety...sadness...hopelessness
and so my life begins
a small part in a minority group

a number

Ebb and Flow

The ebb and flow

of my life

are controlled by my moods

and they seesaw between

ecstatic heights and

nightmarish depths.

Like a Joan of Arc

I persue my demons

and find solitude

when i withdraw into

my innermost self

with only the music

of my heart

as company.

Soft Cello Notes

I have a friend
my oasis...
she has the ability
to connect to my soul
in a way that makes
words uncalled for

The depth of her intellect
and understanding echoes
in the dark caves of
my inner-world

And long after the turmoil
of exposing myself on paper
has left me vunarable and naked
her presence lingers on
like  soft cello notes
giving life to who I am





(this poem is dedicated to my friend Marelise Botha-Koch)

A True Story Of Being Me

I live my life in a host of stories
connected to other people's
stories in various ways
I understand and identify things
by placing them in the stories
I tell about them and then
find myself caught in a web

A web so perplexed I am
unable to tell the difference
between reality, or not -
fragments of the imagination?
or fragments of real life drama?

After careful consideration,
no sleep, tossing and turning
my reality includes everything
that is and has been -
a true story of being me

63 Cats in a hat

63 Cats in a hat

going through their own

magical experiences.

Every night the same

rituals.

Lock-up time

fighting for the shower

fighting with whoever

pissed you off during the day.

Then meaningless

conversations.

TV 1 playing for the

previously oppressed

now the leaders of their

own little gangs

calling the shots over

their domain.

I find it impossible to participate

I find it even more impossible

to sleep.

Every sound echoes in my

head and even

in the dead of the night the

'sleep-mode-noises'

cause havoc in my unsettled

soul.